I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
