When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
