I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
