dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
