He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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