Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
