my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
