Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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