yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
