i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
