I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
