I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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