Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
