I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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