worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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