Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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