why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
tell me about the eggs
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
