the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
