bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
