you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
