Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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