Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
