We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
two words...techno handjob
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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