3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
