We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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