Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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