It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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