I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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