I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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