absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
