It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
