I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
