**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
