I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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