This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
