how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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