I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This is the high leading the old right now
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
