Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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