i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
