I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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