i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
