my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
