I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
