whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize
