God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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