So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
