miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
