Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
