I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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