my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
