I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
