I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i now understand why vodka
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
