I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
