Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Is it because I queefed?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
