wanna go halves on a baby?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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