in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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