Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's shark week go big or go home
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
