He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
pray to the hookup gods
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
