The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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